A letter to my body (5 years after Hodgkins Lymphoma).

There was a time I felt you'd let me down and that I couldn't trust you, but then you made miracles happen. Six years ago I discovered a lump in my neck. I thought it was just my glands... Maybe I had an infection. Turned out I had Stage 2 Hodgkin Lymphoma. I underwent four months of chemo and came out cured but broken, mentally and physically. I had post traumatic stress and later experienced panic attacks. Steroids and stress resulted in me ballooning in size. I sported a scar on my neck and arm that I hated to look at and my hair was thin and lack lustre. I'd lost confidence in you. Fast forward five years and I have two beautiful babies, thanks to you my miraculous body!

5 Years: Cancer free...
& look who's with me at the appointment!

I wasn't exactly confident in my reproductive abilities in the lead up to chemo. My consultant seemed relaxed about my chances but I heard of someone else in another part of the country having her eggs frozen,even though she was having the same treatment for the same condition as me. Well at my five years in remission check up I was able to take my twins and thank Dr Kanfer for being right that all would be OK.

It's not so much a happy ending as a new beginning filled with new challenges. And you, my lovely body have a map of our adventures together. In the crease below my tummy a line runs along where the wonderful surgeons lifted my beautiful twins from their home of nearly 9 months. My tummy is covered with stretch mark upon stretch mark created from holding my two babies to term. My breasts are a slightly different shape after providing some milk for three and a half months for two hungry mouths and I still sport a scar on my neck and arm from my brush with Hodgkins. Those scars that I found upsetting for a while are now my battle wounds joining the new ones that I am deeply proud of. They have prepared me in ways I never thought possible for this new stage in life. Some of the lessons I learnt from being a patient in hospital, listening to my body, dealing with needles better and taking each challenge with a level of humour and hope were all helpful in pregnancy. So body, thank you. I may have doubted you at times but you have done amazing things for me. May the future keep bringing healing your way and help me and my babies little bodies grow stronger each day. May all those other bodies in the world, dealing with their own challenges be granted the same!

Where Now?

Some of you may have realised that I've not posted for quite a while. This year has been quite a tough one for me! I thought that getting rid of hodgy would be a positive turning point. What I didn't appreciate was that when my adrenaline and fighting spirit had gone and when everyone thinks you're on the road to recovery... damn, you think you are, that's when the going gets tough!

I finished treatment at the end of November and was told I could return to work. I couldn't wait! Work were amazing. They told me to ease into things and take it at my own pace, but I was impatient. I wanted to get on with my old life. My confidence was also at rock bottom. I’d put on lots of weight and felt very unattractive, I was incredibly forgetful with ‘chemo brain’, I was also very overemotional and responded badly to even a small amount of stress. This, as you can imagine wasn’t a great formula for a happy working life. I did persevere, but it was tough. I also didn’t want people to see me struggling so there was only the odd occasion that I admitted that I wasn’t coping. In retrospect I went back to work too early.

For several months I put on a brave face. This extended to my social life, although I did find myself saying no to more social events than usual. I felt like all I could really do was moan so I saw a lot less of friends. My poor boyfriend Dan was one of the few that saw me disintegrate. We hadn’t been seeing each other for long. I apologised to him for being a defective and leaky (crying lots) girlfriend. Thankfully he was an amazing support.

The turning point was when I joined the Maggie’s ‘Where Now’ course. Maggie’s Cancer Care Centre’s offer one to one sessions with skilled cancer support specialists for anyone affected. They even offer nutrition and benefits advice to people dealing with the practical elements of a diagnosis. ‘Where Now’ lasts for 6 weeks and starts with a gentle exercise session. They give nutritional, emotional, and medical management advice often around a big kitchen table over a light and very tasty nutritional meal. Mary and Elaine who led the London sessions were wonderful, so kind, patient and generous. Things generally finished with some relaxation exercises but what meant the most to me was meeting others in the same boat. I found out I wasn’t going mad!

So, Where Now? Well, thankfully, I have turned the corner. I have pretty much said goodbye to the fatigue which I felt would never go. I am generally happier, although cancer has left me with a certain shadow that has not entirely lifted. After being fairly blasé about my health previously I am also slightly hypochondriac at times! Any little ailment makes me nervous. But hope is on the horizon. I am ready for new and more positive adventures. Although, I feel very blessed to have worked at the BBC and have loved my 11 years with auntie I am taking voluntary redundancy. It probably sounds crazy during such uncertain times but I plan to draw a line under the difficult times and go travelling. I’ve always wanted to do it but now there is also another motivation. I hope that I might have more positive adventures to talk about when I return… other than the C word! Then hello freelance world…I’m on my way. Life just got very exciting… in a positive way!

Ps. There are still videos towards the end of my treatment to put up, and I will. I just needed a bit of space from Hodgy. Thank you for your patience. x

An answer to my PICC line prayers!

This is probably only of interest to other people who have PICC lines...

I've not had the easiest time with my line. I do have a video diary taking shape about it and I promise I'll post it soon.

The line has meant that I've had to deal with less needles but during the first few times I found the cleaning process slightly stressful... although that's getting easier now that the exit site is healing and is less tender. My skin also reacted badly to the initial dressings. I had an allergic reaction and my skin bubbled up which I found quite stressful.

The newer dressing, which is called Tagaderm Film, actually seems to be a lot better, which is a massive relief! The nurses have also found an alternative fastener to hold the line in place because, although they'd switched to Tagaderm the original fastener still had the initial taped adhesive which was causing me problems.

The only problem with the film though is that because it's a bit gentler it's also not great at keeping water out, so showers and baths haven't been that relaxing. I've already tried wrapping cling film round and taping it but not only is this fiddley but I don't quite seem to have the knack. However, after a bit of a google search I came across the Limbo elbow cover: LimbO Products - LimbO Adult Elbow Cover - M65. I haven't tried it yet, and there may be other products, but I'm planning to order it on Monday. Apparently they can deliver it quite speedily and it's reasonably priced at £11.45. Fingers crossed it works as I still have at least a couple of months of this line... I may even have it till the new year. I'll let you know.

Video Diary 7: My Second Chemo Sesh (ABVD)

I've actually managed to edit the footage from my second chemo session. I've borrowed a Flip Cam so please excuse the shakey cam!

I'm currently undergoing ABVD chemo for stage 2 Hodgkin Lymphoma. This combines four chemo drugs:
Adriamycin
bleomycin
vinblastine
dacarbazine

This video shows my lovely mum and aunt who have been a great support to me. You can also see me picking a wig whilst receiving treatment as well as the dacarbazine being administered.

This is my seventh video diary on Fri 26th August, 2011.

This is purely my own personal experience. If you have any questions or concerns about your own health, please contact a medical professional.